The Single Life // What not to feel guilty about.

This week I wanted to share a little list of things that once might have made me feel guilty but I've since found a new perspective on. When all of your friends are married with children, it's going to sound funny but you can sometimes start acting like you are married with children.  I'm sure you are all wondering what I mean by that statement. Let me explain, it isn't so much that you have an imaginary husband and kids making demands and expecting things from you. What I mean is that you start modeling your lifestyle to match theirs. We tend to emulate those closest to us. This isn't a bad thing, per se, but at the same time your life shouldn't always look like theirs. You are in a different stage than they are, and that is ok. You can still be a little bit selfish and you don't have to feel guilty about it.

 1// Do not feel guilty about sleeping in on your days off. 
Listen, I love a good sleep. On my days off, the number one thing on my list of things I want to do is to sleep in. Will this change eventually, I don't know, for now I still value it like gold. When I first moved to Florida and started my experience of living with a family, I have to say I felt a bit guilty about sleeping in. It wasn't anything my friends did, it was just something I felt. Like I was being unproductive or that I could be helping them. The thing is, those two things are true in some ways... but I have since recognized that as long as I get what I need to done they will manage fine without me. I have the luxury of not having other people dependent on me in the morning, this will not always be the case. But for now, it is and I am going to enjoy it for all its worth.

 2// Do not feel guilty that your budget is different than theirs. 
When you are responsible for you and only you, your budget is going to be a little bit freer than say someone who has a husband or someone who has kids. Your spending habits will be different because you've set your budget to a party of one's lifestyle, there is no one else sharing your income. On the same note, because some of your friends may be living on two incomes they may be able to do things and go places that your pocket book can't spring for. There is no shame in that, if anything use it as motivation to start saving more.

 3// Do not feel guilty about taking a break. 
When you are on your own, and use to being alone. It is easy to get over stimulated when you are surrounded by all the noise that little ones tend to make. I think most parents feel this way as well at times, the only difference between you and them is that it is now their normal. It isn't your normal, you don't have to feel bad about wanting down time. After you have kids down time becomes a rarity and not something you can really expect, but as a single you can expect it.

 4// Do not feel guilty about wanting girl time. 
This is a hard one because it is easy to come off as a jerk, as if you don't like your friends husband and can't stand their kids. This obviously isn't the case, but anytime you are trying not to include certain people it can come off negative. When it comes to wanting girl time it's best to seek out your fellow single girls, if you don't have that option things get a little more complicated. The thing is, most of your married friends want to include their spouses because their spouses are their best friends. They love them and want them to be included. This is a natural thing. It is understandable. At the same time it isn't always ideal for you. There is only so much fun to be had when you are always the 3rd or 5th wheel. Sometimes you just want one on one time with your girlfriends. No husband or kid distractions. This is one of the situations where you will probably have to plan an outing in advance, so they can have their spouses make plans and get a sitter lined up for their kids. The important thing to note here is that it is ok to ask your friends for this kind of hangout every once in awhile, you don't have to feel guilty about it.

 5// Do not feel guilty about saying NO. 
Your married friends want alone time with each other, they may come to you and ask you to watch their kids. If you like babysitting then by all means offer your services on the regular, but on the flip side if it's not your cup-o-tea, they have other options out there they can utilize. You shouldn't feel obligated. Most of your friends with kids have other friends with kids, they can do the kid trade-off for a night-off and if that isn't an option there are always teenagers eager to make babysitting money. There is no reason to feel guilt, it is ok to say no sometimes. On that note, when it comes to family type outings such as kids movies, playground dates, the zoo, etc, if you don't think it's something you'd enjoy, just be honest. Most of the time your friends are inviting you with no expectations, they just want you to feel included. It is better that they invite you to everything, than they not invite you to anything.


Whenever I talk to other singles that are surrounded by friends that are married or have growing families, I hear a lot pertaining to the above. I think the important thing is to keep the dialogue open. Just like with any other relationship, communication is everything. You love your married friends, they love you. That is a truth that you can rest in. The sticky part is learning how to be what the other person needs. Those needs change depending on what chapter of life you are in, what you need from a friend as a single is often times different than what your girlfriend who is no longer single may need from you. As a single you are still looking for companionship, those few individuals to go through life with, share your ordinary every day experiences with. When you are married you have that companion in your spouse, the role of your girlfriends shift. I encourage you to make time for your friends, plan a coffee date and be honest about what you need from them and return ask what they need from you.

(I just want to make a small note, that I recognize the above list is a tad on the selfish side. I'm not saying that you should always say no or that you should never offer to help your friends... what I am saying is that it's ok to live your life as a single even though you are surrounded by families.)

The Single Life // Making New Friends in Your 30's

I've always been pretty lucky when it comes to being surrounded by a strong friend group. No matter where I've lived, I always had that connection. Honestly, in my younger years it was easy. I was always in environments that fostered new friendships. Now that I've experienced moving to a new place as an adult, I can tell you from experience things change. Finding new friends when you are 30 and single, is a lot like dating. Taking that leap and asking someone if they want to hang out or if you can get their contact information, is almost always nerve racking and awkward. Most of the time you are trying to read their body language, you are gaging their reactions during your conversation to see if they are open to a new friendship. If you feel good about it, you then have to either pray they suggest a hang out or you have to bite the bullet, ask them, and risk what most of us fear, rejection.

 THE BRUSH OFF 
Whether it's new friendships or new relationships there are a handful of recognizable brush offs, as soon as you get them you know you are never going to see that person again. When that happens, no matter how self assured you are, you get that tinge of discomfort. In a matter of seconds your flesh starts questioning not being good enough, cool enough, creative enough, funny enough, etc. This is a natural response, everyone wants to be accepted and loved. When that isn't their reaction we naturally want to reflect on why. The important thing is to not dwell on it. When faced with the brush off, put a smile on your face and go along with whatever polite non-committal response they are giving you. Don't try to force it.

 YOU, GOTTA BE YOU 
I look at rejection like this, we can't over curate ourselves. At this point in life, we should know who we are and the type of people we want around us. Yes, there will always be things for us to work on and improve, but if someone doesn't like you, as you are, they aren't your ideal friend candidate. It's that simple and it is OK. You aren't going to be friends with everyone. It's important to recognize the truth in the rejection, if that person doesn't enjoy being around you, than that friendship definitely won't bring joy to your life. So shake it off, scan the room and move on.


 WALK IN CONFIDENCE & POSITIVITY 
Confidence is attractive. The more sure of yourself you are, the more people want to be around you. People tend to gravitate towards what they want reflected in their own life. So, I encourage you to get into the habit of graciously speaking your mind, making eye contact and walking tall. Positive people also attract others, not many people want to spend their precious free time with a debbie downer or a drama queen. When you're in your 30's, your free time is valuable... spending it listening to someone cry or whine is not what anyone wants. The mass majority of people, want to surround themselves with others that are able to laugh at life and see the good in it. Obviously, we all experience bad times... but you aren't going to walk up to a stranger and talk to them about it. At least I hope you aren't.


 FINDING OTHERS LIKE YOU 
One of the biggest hurdles you have to overcome is actually knowing where to meet new people. This may sounds silly, but it's true. If you have just moved to a new city and you aren't comfortable in the bar or club scene, it can be quite difficult to casually run into other singles. Not only do you have to find the the socializing opportunities, but you have to be willing to walk into them alone. Being that the whole point of going to these social functions is to make new friends, hopefully you won't be alone long. But the initial aloneness can be quite scary. If this is you, here are a few suggestions to get the ball rolling.

1// Meetup.com, this site is full of groups you can join. Those groups host daily, weekly and monthly outings for everything from biking, crafting, traveling, cooking, etc. The list goes on and on. I am signed up on this site, it is definitely full of lots of opportunities. I just have to get over what I mentioned earlier, the initial scary going into it aloneness. 

2// Sign Up for Groupon and LivingSocial, and keep your eyes peeled for deals on activities and classes that interest you. If you attend these things, you will be surrounded by people with similar interests and that is always a good foot to start on.

3//  Volunteer, find an organization you can get behind and see how you can help. There, you will find passionate people who enjoy giving back and making a difference. Two qualities we should all want in our friends.

4// Get tied into a church. Honestly, every other time I've moved this has been a key one for me. Finding a new church is often like finding a built in friend group. Most of the people will be excited you are there, and eager to learn more about you and befriend you. Churches often have small groups you can join, sports teams, clubs, etc. Being that I moved to Florida as part of a church plant, this wasn't an avenue that worked for me this time.

5// Hit the dog park. This may be a funny one but dog parks are really social, the animals are playing together and you get to talking with all of the other owners. I also find that people that take their dogs to dog parks are usually pretty friendly. There is a camaraderie amongst dog-parents. Haha. Sadly, I don't have a dog. However, I've been to the park when I've dog sat and I've experienced the socializing... so I know there is potential there.

 DON'T BE AFRAID OF AWKWARD 
Putting yourself out there is scary, but it is also exciting. The best thing you can do is embrace the awkwardness, accept that it is going to be there. Once you do it really won't be a big deal and you'll recognize in the scheme of things that it doesn't usually last that long. Once you've overcome the biggest hurdle of finding people to meet and you've harnessed the awkwardness, you really just have to be open, be yourself and ask a few genuine questions. Once you do, be ready to react to their response (good or bad) in a graceful way. Don't get discouraged, you're bound to meet people who are as cool as you.

I also just want to say, I know that there are a number of people out there that don't struggle with making new friends. They have been gifted with the social butterfly gene and they thrive in all social settings, you my lovely are a rare and precious gem... please keep an eye out for us wallflowers. When you see us taking the leap, it would be super awesome if you took us under your wing.